Spewing with craziness

Sunday morning my alarm goes off. It's time to get ready for church. I hit the snooze and tell myself "I can be late. It's okay, no one will notice." But then the good girl in me says, "Nope, get up! You have to be a good example to your kids." Naughty girl says, "It's just this once and it will be fine." The good girl says, "Ethan passes the sacrament and you need to make sure that he is there." AHHH! 20 minutes later I get up and get ready. But I don't want to. I'm mentally kicking my legs and throwing a fit.

 

We leave at our regular time.

 

I'm sitting in sacrament, no patience with my kids and the stuff all over the bench and floor...{I'm holding it in} I can pretend to have my act together and be calm... very, very calm. I can't even concentrate on the speakers.

 

Ever have that feeling that you can't pretend that you aren't going crazy inside anymore?

 

I go to set up my class. Everything is fine. The kids are great, but in my head I'm going nuts. I'm not into being at church, but I know it's where I need to be.... for myself and my children. I don't want to be a good example for the moment (really the entire day)... I'll get back to you when I'm ready to be a good girl.

 

I confess to the girl that I team teach with that I didn't buy any Pepsi the day before and may need to be a bad girl and run to Circle K for my 32ouncer! She tells me she has a can of cold Dr. Pepper in her car. Please get it, I beg.

 

A few moments later, I'm sitting on a little primary chair and popping the tab of my Dr. Pepper, grateful for friends that follow the spirit :o) of keeping a stash in their vans!! {Thanks Katherine!!}

 

My 4 year old won't go to his class. He wants to stay in nursery with me. I'm okay with that for a couple minutes. Couple of minutes pass and I tell him that it's time to go to class. He hides under the table upset. I grab his leg and drag him out of my class {Yeup, mom of the year award here}. I get him into the hallway and talk nicely to him about going to his class. It doesn't work out and he's back in nursery.

 

I do eventually go to Circle K for my 32 ouncer. I know {GASP! I sinned} Tell me something I don't know! I feel guilty. I keep the faith Heavenly Father understands me!

 

I don't like feeling crazy. I explained it to my mom as having Tourette syndrome. I try to be a good girl, look perfect, have it all together (which I don't) -  holding in my craziness will eventually spew out.

 

I am on depression medication {thank goodness for Heavenly Father and good doctors!}. I just started a little over a week ago. I was on it for 10 years and took myself off a year & a half ago. My husband completely supports me being on them. He's seen the turmoil I go through when I'm not on them. Depression is hereditary. It's a real sickness!

 

For now, I feel good. I have better control over my craziness, until it spews again.